The Hardest Thing
by cazamaree
Summary: Spoilers S03 E14 Kurt talks of suicide, the first part of this has spoilers, but the rest is my take on what Kurt might have said if it was him who said he thought of taking his life.


The hardest thing

After Rory had tried the peanut butter and had sat back in his spot next to him, Kurt had no idea where he was going with this.

"Mr. Schuester, while that's incredibly moving um its kinda been an emotional week for some of us." he said

"Yeah Mr. Schue, what's the point in all this?" Finn agreed

"The point is Rory just had a brand new experience" Mr. Schuester said looking around at his class.

They were all seated in a circle in the center of the stage in the auditorium.

"Something as simple as peanut butter, you guys are young" Kurt listened as he continued "I want you guys to promise me, that no matter how depressed you get, no matter how hopeless or alone you feel, you will try your best to imagine all of the amazing experiences you have ahead of you"

Mercedes was the first to speak "Mr. Schue, look I know we're a little dramatic some times, but I don't think anyone would consider taking their own life."

She looked around the room as if waiting for people to agree with her but that was not something Kurt could do, because he had, he knew what it was like to be in that place. The despair; the feeling of self loathing. The 'the world would be better off with out me' thoughts that run through your head. Just wanting it all to stop. The pain, the voices that tell you you're worthless. All of it.

Kurt looked around at his friends, those that he considered family. Now it was time to tell them.

"I did" he said quietly everyone just looked at him eyes wide, he turned to Blaine, who looked at him; he never wanted to see that look on his boyfriends face again. He looked hurt and confused and devastated all at the same time.

"Uh-uh, no way dude, I don't believe you." Puck said

"It's true, Puck, it was the lowest point in my life, and I hope I never get there again"

"What the hell Kurt, does Burt know" Finn asked both looked as shocked as the other and Quinn looked like she had been slapped across the face. Rachel looked like she was going to cry.

"Kurt would you like to share with the rest of us?" Mr. Schue asked Kurt nodded

"I think it's time, I want you guys to know you all helped me" he turned to Blaine "Especially you, it was just after my dad's heart attack, and I wasn't sure if he was going to wake up. And the bullying got to breaking point. It was getting bad" he looked around at everyone and stopped on Sam "You asked how someone could get to that place, and looking back now I don't really know myself"

He heard a sob come from Rachel and turned to her, so did everyone else, she had her hand over her mouth, tears rolling down her face. Her other arm clinging to Finn,

"Why…why didn't you tell us Kurt?" She asked he shrugged

"I didn't want to put my problems on everyone else, and just so we're clear Quinn, when you are in that place, it's not about hurting the people around you, it's about freeing them from you. You don't realize how it hurts them you just want it to stop. You believe they would all be better off without you, that their lives would be easier if you weren't around, that no one would miss you"

"I though we we're a family Kurt, and family stick together, they help one another. Didn't you love us any more?" Brittany asked

"Of course I did Britt. It wasn't about me not loving you; it was about me wanting to free you from me"

Kurt took a deep breath and looked around the circle again and then to his lap.

"It's ok Kurt take your time" heard Mr. Schue say

"I got back home from school after another hard day, there was just so much going on, you know like, if my dad died I would be alone, and then there was the whole bullying because of me being gay as well…"

"You know we don't care about that don't you?" Mike asked Kurt smiled at him and nodded.

"I know, but at the time, all I could hear, were the hurtful things people would say. Like, I had a disease, and that I'm going to hell, or I don't deserve to live and some more hurtful at times, things I wont repeat. You don't hear the 'I love you anyway' or the 'it's ok to be who you are' you forget about the tight hug your best friend gave you just hours before, and you don't remember the 'I'll see you later dude' from your soon to be brother" he said looking to Finn

"I was home alone looking at myself in the mirror and all those thoughts went through my head, I don't even remember picking it up, but before I knew it I had a razor blade, holding it tight in my hand, it was hovering just above my wrist…"

"What changed?" Blaine asked speaking for the first time Kurt looked over at Blaine who was sitting next to Mr. Schue red eyed and looking devastated.

Kurt laughed then just a small one, but a laugh just the same "Someone knocked on the front door" he turned to Finn "It was your mum coming over to see if I was ok and to bring over dinner for me. So I hugged her and thanked her, she smiled and said it was no trouble, that she was happy to do it. When I came to school the next day, I was far from perfect. I was still bullied, Dad was still in the hospital and I still felt like a burden. I was pushing you all away, but then dad woke up, and I got a small shimmer of hope, that things were going to be ok. I was still hurting and it was getting hard again but then Puck sent me to Dalton to spy on the Warblers, and I met Blaine, someone I could talk to. Then Dad and Carole sent me there and while I missed you guys it helped me get things into prospective. I stopped wanting to hurt myself and was able to be my old self again, and for that I'm grateful because look what I would have missed out on" he said with a smile in Blaine's direction. "Taking your own life is easy. It's the living that's hard, but it can be worth it"

Before he know it he was being pulled into a group hug, and yeah Kurt was happy to be alive.

Spoilers S03 E14 Kurt talks of suicide, the first part of this has spoilers, but the rest is my take on what Kurt might have said if it was him who said he thought of taking his life.


End file.
